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Sexual
Healing from Sexual Abuse
--Advice for Adult Survivors--
©1999 by Wendy Maltz, M.S.W., L.C.S.W.
I hate sex.
It feels like invasion of myself and my body by someone else. Life would
be great if no one ever expected me to be sexual again.---Tina,
raped by her father as a child.
My penis and my heart feel disconnected. I use sex as a way to blot
out pain when Im feeling down. Masturbation is a lot easier than
having sex with my wife. She wants a lot of kissing and hugging and Im
uncomfortable with all that closeness.--Jack, molested by a neighbor
as a young teen.
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Like Tina and
Jack, many survivors of sexual abuse suffer from a variety of sexual
problems. And its no wonder. Sexual abuse is not only a betrayal
of human trust and affection, but it is, by definition---an attack
on a persons sexuality.
Our sexuality is the most intimate, private aspect of who we are.
Our sexuality has to do with how we feel about being male or female,
and how comfortable we are with our body, our genitals, and our sexual
thoughts, expressions, and relationships.
When you were sexually abused--- whether you suffered a gentle seduction
by a loved relative or a violent rape by a stranger--- your view and
experience of your sexuality were effected by what happened to you.
The good news is that a variety of effective healing techniques now
exist to help survivors overcome the sexual repercussions caused by
abuse.
What are the sexual problems caused by sexual abuse? The ten
most common sexual symptoms of sexual abuse are:
1. avoiding or being afraid of sex
2. approaching sex as an obligation
3. experiencing negative feelings such as anger, digust, or guilt
with touch
4. having difficulty becoming aroused or feeling sensation
5. feeling emotionally distant or not present during sex
6. experiencing intrusive or disturbing sexual thoughts and images
7. engaging in compulsive or inappropriate sexual behaviors
8. experiencing difficulty establishing or maintaining an intimate
relationship
9. experiencing vaginal pain or orgasmic difficulties
10.experiencing erectile or ejaculatory difficulties
What is sexual healing? Sexual healing is an empowering process
in which you reclaim your sexuality as both positive and pleasurable.
It involves using special healing strategies and techniques to actively
change sexual attitudes and behaviors which resulted from the abuse.
The process of sexual healing often includes: gaining a deeper understanding
of what happened and how it influenced your sexuality, increasing
your body and self-awareness, developing a positive sense of your
sexuality, and learning new skills for experiencing touch and sexual
sharing in safe, life-affirming ways.
Sexual healing can take several months to several years, or more,
to accomplish. It is considered advanced recovery work and thus, best
undertaken only after a survivor is in a stable and safe lifestyle
and has addressed more general effects of sexual abuse, such as depression,
anger, self-blame, and trust concerns.
There are different levels of sexual healing work that a survivor
can pursue; from simply reading about recovery to engaging in a series
of progressive exercises, called relearning touch techniques.
These exercises provide opportunities to practice a new approach to
intimate touch. While some survivors are able to progress in sexual
healing on their own, others find it essential to enlist the guidance
and support of a trained mental health practioner. Professional care
is recommended because of the high possibility that sexual healing
will stir up traumatic memories and feelings.
You dont need to be in a relationship to do sexual healing work.
Some exercises are designed for single survivors. However, if you
have a partner, your partner needs to become educated about the sexual
repercussions of abuse and learn strategies for participating actively
and effectively in the healing process.
Here are some ideas for how to get started in sexual healing:
1. Learn about healthy sexuality
A first step in sexual healing is to learn to distinguish abusive
type sex from healthy sex. If you commonly use words like, bad
dirty overwhelming frightening
hurtful and secretive to describe sex, you
need to realize that these are descriptive of sexual abuse.
Healthy sexuality is something very different. It is characterized
by choice, consent, equality, respect, honesty, trust, safety, intimacy,
and sensual enjoyment.
In the books that you read and the movies you watch, decrease your
exposure to abusive sex images and increase your exposure to examples
of sex in which partners are responsible and express love and caring
for each other.
2. See yourself as separate from what was done to you
We are all born sexually innocent. Due to sexual abuse or subsequent
sexual behavior, you may erroneously believe that, sexually, you are
bad, damaged goods, or merely a sexual object for someone elses
use.
Let the past be past, and give yourself a healthy sexual future. You
are not strapped to the negative labels an offender may have called
you or to the way you saw yourself as a result of the abuse. Now you
have choice and can assert your true self with others. Old labels
will disappear as you stop believing them and stop acting in ways
that reinforce them.
3. Stop sexual behaviors that are part of the problem
You cant build a new foundation for healthy sex until youve
gotten rid of sexual behaviors that could undermine healing. Sexual
behaviors that need to go, typically include: having sex when you
dont want to, unsafe and risky sex, extramarital affairs, promiscuous
sex, violent/degrading sex, compulsive sex, and engaging in abusive
sexual fantasies. If you cant do it on your own, seek help from
12-step programs and other supports. It takes time to break old habits
and learn how to channel sexual energy in ways that nurture the body
as well as the soul.
4. Learn to handle automatic reactions to touch
Many survivors encounter unpleasant automatic reactions to touch and
sex, such as: flashbacks of the abuse, fleeting thoughts of the offender,
or strange reactions to something a sexual partner does or says during
lovemaking. While these reactions are common, unavoidable, even protective,
results of trauma--- years later---they can get in the way of enjoying
sex. By developing understanding and patience you can learn to handle
them effectively.
When you experience an unwanted reaction to touch, stop and become
more consciously aware of the reaction. Then calm your self physically
with slow breathing, self-massage and relaxation techniques. As soon
as you can, affirm your present reality by reminding yourself of who
you are now and that you have many options. You may also want to alter
the activity in some way to make it more comfortable. Automatic reactions
will diminish over time you become more aware of and responsive to
them.
5. Familiarize yourself with touch techniques
You can use special touch exercises to help you relearn intimate touch
in a safe and relaxed way. Different from traditional sex therapy
techniques (which can be overwhelming to survivors), the relearning
touch techniques provide a wide assortment of exercises from
which to choose as you feel ready. You can do some relearning touch
exercises on your own, while others require a partner. (Detailed descriptions
of the exercises can be found in my book, The
Sexual Healing Journey, and my video, Relearning
Touch -- to order call 1-800-678-3455).
These exercises help you develop skills such as: feeling relaxed with
touch, breathing comfortably, staying present, communicating with
a partner, having fun, and expressing and receiving love through physical
contact. The exercises are progressive and follow a sequence from
playful, non-sexual touch to sensual, pleasuring touch activities.
When necessary, you can address specific sexual problems, such as
orgasmic and erectile difficulties, by modifying standard sex therapy
techniques using the new skills acquired in relearning touch.
You can repair the damage done to you in the past. You can
look forward to a new surge of self-respect, personal contentment,
emotional intimacy. When you reclaim your sexuality, you reclaim yourself.
Hand-to-heart
exercise from the "Relearning Touch" video
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